The world is a challenging place. Every day we must make our way through life while often facing impossible odds. Here are a few life-affirming teachings to inspire your inner spirit and gently nudge you towards true enlightenment. They will guide you down the path of righteousness and ensure your life-force is chock-full of goodness and wisdom:
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- Never let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. So levitate those empanadas with your mind.
- The first time you meet someone, don’t judge them by their appearance. Wait and get to know them first, then judge them by whether or not they agree to give you a blowjob.
- It’s wrong to hate somebody because of the color of their skin. But it is perfectly acceptable to hate them for their love of Twilight.
- If a relationship ends badly, it’s okay to miss them for awhile. Eventually, one day you won’t miss them any more. That’s when you back up the car and flee the scene as quickly as possible.
- If it’s a particularly clear night, take a moment to gaze up at the stars in awe at the vast glories of the cosmos. Then get right back to Angry Birds, those bastard pigs have it coming.
- When you are feeling depressed and alone in the world, remember that there are always a few people thinking fondly about you at this very moment. And at least one of them is thinking about you without wearing pants
- Take a moment every day to take in the sights, the sounds, the smells that help create your world. Savor them and let them become a part of who you are, unless you live by the bus station, then it probably looks like a prison yard and smells like rancid goat piss.
- The best way to ensure healthy lifestyle is to take care of yourself. Treat your body like a temple: make sure it’s filled with circumcised penises during the holidays.
- Life is a learning experience; don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Through your mistakes you improve yourself and reach goals, like finally finishing the suit of flesh you’ve been working on for years.
- Believe in yourself. Also, believe in an omnipotent, all-powerful invisible man in the sky who controls your eternal soul and can see you when you walk around your apartment naked eating Krispy Kremes.
- Success is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. You must also give 110% effort. The extra 10% is mostly cheating and ass-kissing.
- Release your mind from anger and negativity. Fill your mind with only peaceful thoughts, and fill your butt with whatever makes your butt happy.
- Try to be more compassionate in your everyday life, especially to strangers. Empathize with their needs in the moment, at least until they’re finished with your order to put the money in the bag.
- Lift up your spirit today by performing a random act of kindness for a total stranger. But keep treating your family like shit because they’re a bunch of depraved cretins.
- An important part of healthy relationships is to build a high level of mutual respect, as well as deciding on a safe word for when the neighbors come over for the orgy.
- Examine the motivations behind your actions. Do they come from a place of love and compassion? If so, why are you being such a pussy?
- If you are unsatisfied with your life, you will never find true happiness until you find peace within yourself. Or you are able to buy a cool ass Wave Runner, whichever comes first.
- You will find serenity and fulfillment if you devote yourself to the needs of others. That way you won’t regret answering the Craigslist ad seeking a caged gimp for a basement dungeon.
- Don’t forget, today is the first day of the rest of your life! Too bad the rest of your life is only three more days. Sorry.
