GOP presidential hopeful and albino oompa-loompa Newt Gingrich challenged conventional wisdom yesterday when he claimed in a speech at Harvard that child labor laws were “stupid“. Newt’s idea, if you call this little zit on the upper crevice of Darth Vador’s buttcrack an idea, is to fire all the janitors at public schools and replace them with low paid, underage students.
The Pillsbury Beltway Boy orated this brilliant rationalization: “The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they’d begin the process of rising.”
Thus, children who haven’t already “risen” up by being born with silver spoons shoved up their asses will get the awesometacular learnatunity to earn insultingly meager wages while sopping up sticky piss from the toilet seats in the school locker rooms. Now that’s edu-tastic!
You might be under the impression that the purpose of public school is to educate children, no matter what tax bracket their parents might be in. Give them a solid foundation in mathematics, history, literature, science and the arts. Teach them sound reasoning, endow them with a lifelong passion for learning, or even empower them with the skills to be a responsible citizen.
Oh, silly rabbit, Trix are for Rich Kids.
For children with parents of a lower caste, the purpose of school isn’t education, it’s to teach a work ethic. That way later in life when that kid is scheduled a back-to-back at the Burger King and has to supersize the combo meals for those dashing Ivy-League gents ordering Double Whoppers at three in the morning on their way back from discussing credit default swaps at their Skull & Bones meeting, the kid will have learned the focus and tenacity that only comes from scrubbing the vomit off the sink tiles of the girl’s restroom by the quad.
Wax on, wax off, Daniel-son.
I imagine on the first day of school, Newt would split the student body into two lines. At the front, he sits at a table going over each file:
Hi Stewart! Your dad still representing the governor in that nasty lawsuit? Well, it won’t be long until your trust fund kicks in, and in only three years you’ll be driving your dad’s Porsche. Have a great year, Stew! Head over to line 1.
Hmmm. Shaniqua, darling, your file says your mom is single and works two full-time, minimum wage jobs just to avoid getting evicted from your dumpy, one-bedroom apartment in a crime-riddled neighborhood. Sorry you won’t have any time to focus on book learnin’ with all the bird shit you’ll be scraping off the playground benches. Line 2.
Hello there Todd! Says here your dad is a investment banker who makes a seven figure income. Why not use afternoons to try out for junior varsity, or maybe cruise around the neighborhood in that new SUV your dad bought you for your birthday? Those rims look killer! Head to line 1.
Rochelle. Hm. Says here you want to go to a state college to become a veterinarian. But your dad is an alkie and a chronic gambler, and your house goes into foreclosure tomorrow. You’ll be mopping up the nasty oatmeal spills in the cafeteria over by the table with the cute jocks who call you Pigface behind your back. Good luck! Line 2.
Newt’s plan is simple: academic school for rich kids, trade school for the rest. All based on how successful mommy and daddy were at day trading or marrying a Kennedy.
You say a publicly funded school is no place to institutionalize such crass class distinctions in young children? Poppycock. The unearned entitlement a child feels from his parents’ success should be encoded into the hierarchy of government-run schools. And the best time to get children from the poorest neighborhoods accustomed to lifelong careers in menial, soul-sucking, low-wage jobs is the moment they sprout their first little pube.
Admittedly, Newt took 1.6 million dollars to advise Freddie Mac and then blamed the organization for ruining America and also possibly giving his grandmother angina. So it’s not at all preposterous when one of his solutions involves forcing a bunch of hormone-addled Twilight fans into a poverty-stricken pubescent custodial version of Dumbledore’s Army.
Surely Mr. Gingrich’s eloquent speechifying on Jobs for Poor Kids isn’t merely a cynical ploy to destroy unions, lower the bar for cheap labor, or devolve work standards back to the late 19th century when a factory boss could toss children at the grinding cogs of dangerous machinery like they were baby chicks on the last level of Angry Birds. Certainly not. Newt is a very serious candidate offering very serious policies. His ideas are innovative, bold, and might even lead to some awesome new reality shows like American Sweatshop, Project Runaway and So You Think You Can Scrub!
Newt Gingrich knows America. I believe deep down, as sure as the knuckles on a 12-year old Indonesian factory worker’s hands are scraped and callused, a Newt presidency would give our nation’s younger generation one opportunity we never had…
A chance to restock the cakes in the faculty urinals.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Agreed, but with his history are people brave enough to vote for him. I don’t think so, even though he may be the best choice.
I believe that it is not the school that counts for the students to be well educated. It is the way how effective the teachers are and the students who are willing to learn.
But, at least in education, he’s once again getting the kernel of an emerging concept right, if not the specifics of it. That’s no small thing in a presidential contest that so far has been light on big ideas.
I just wanted to say thank you for your efforts in writing the reviews that even newbies\ unprofessionals can read and understand. Continue sharing your thoughts!