New Year’s Resolutions of a Serial Killer

Ah, it’s New Year’s again, when we all take inventory of our lives, our goals, our hopes and our dreams. New Year’s is a time for personal reflection, when we examine successes and failures and figure out what to do next. It’s a time to make plans, replace old habits with smart, new ones, finally take self-improvement seriously before another year disappears into the mist.

You might think that I’m different from you just because my goals for last year included moving the bones of my pre-millennium victims before the new mall construction begins and finishing my tiara made of human flesh. But I’m not different at all. Come January 1st, we all still ruminate on what steps should be taken to make ourselves better people in the coming year. I can’t be the only homicidal maniac who needs a little Tony Robbins pep talk to get the ball rolling. So here are some suggestions on how to ring in the New Year with a better you in mind!

Spend Time With the Family. Your mom is always complaining that you don’t spend quality time with her any more. Well, this year be sure to lavish her with the attention she deserves. Visit her once in awhile just to say hi! Don’t forget to put on her wedding dress before heading up to the attic to dance the night away with her lifeless body. You only have one mom. She deserves it.

Home Repair/Decoration. If your unfinished basement looks anything like mine, it looks like a medieval torture chamber. Who wants that? With some simple enhancements like new curtains and some classy framed photographs, it could easily be transformed into a modern torture chamber. Never underestimate the ability of a couple of cute throw rugs to cover blood stains. And yes, you can get positive Feng shui energy in the room even with a Judas Cradle smack dab in the middle.

Get in Shape. Does a simple after-hours chase in a remote part of the park leave you heaving and clenching your sides in pain? Are you wheezing like a fat kid with asthma after a ten yard sprint to chloroform a victim? This year, resolve to get in shape! Join a fitness club. Get a set of bench weights and keep them in that creepy room you covered with pictures of girls with their eyes burned out. Squeeze in a few push-ups when you’re not smearing your manifesto on the shed wall with your own feces. Remember, dumping bodies is a physically strenuous activity, and even a little bit of cardio could help avoid a herniated disc when filling in that mass grave at the town dump.

Cut Out the Sweets. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having to excuse yourself in the middle of a Satanic Blood Rite to give yourself an insulin shot for Type II diabetes, right? Cut back on candy, chips and anything loaded with preservatives (formaldehyde included). Fast food might seem like an easy option while spending the night parked outside your mark’s apartment waiting for them to leave alone, but a few weeks of Whoppers and McDLT’s and it’s Chubbs McKenziefor you, buster. Instead of packing on the pounds, pack a lunch. A healthy chicken salad, some fruit, maybe carrot sticks and celery should give you all the energy you need to jerk off to the debris from your victim’s garbage can. A special note for cannibals: the Atkins diet is definitely an option.

Make a Budget. Let’s face it. Your day job barely pays enough to cover the bills, and your passions are expensive. The lease on that deserted warehouse on the outskirts of town has really strained your finances. Your hardware store line-of-credit is maxed and you’re out of plastic tarps and duct tape. Antique dealers charge a premium for the types of ancient torture devices you “collect”. The price for all the wigs, wardrobe, makeup and prosthetics that allow you to hide in plain sight is exorbitant. Not to mention the untraceable firearms, getaway cars, and the emergency legal fund. Do you know how expensive it is to ship in the quantities of sodium hydroxide needed to dissolve a human body? Does anyone understand the cost of locating workable passports and social security numbers when you need to “disappear” to the next town? I don’t think so. The New Year is the perfect time to finally create a monthly budget and stick to it!

Help Your Community. It feels good to give back to the community. This year, don’t burn the clothes of the girl from the bus station in your backyard incinerator, but pop them into your local Goodwill donation box instead. In addition, most non-profits are in dire need of volunteers, and rarely run comprehensive background checks. Working the soup kitchen at a homeless shelter will give you time for some reconnaissance on “free range” possibilities. Remember, helping others is its own reward.

Make New Friends. It’s important to avoid being singled out as the “weirdo” who keeps to himself. If the only time you talk to anyone is when the neighbor’s Pomeranian scurries into your yard to remind you to decapitate all the left-handed dyslexic Jews in Newark, it’s time to go out and find some new companions. Try a website like Meetup.com. Develop a hobby like knitting and join a group. Start a book reading club and discuss Toni Morrison with middle-aged ladies over Chamomile tea. When in doubt, there’s always Craigslist! The point it, get out and show yourself to the world. Good things will come your way if you make yourself available.

Quit Smoking. Duh.