The Ultimate Christmas Movie

Here is a brief plot-summary of my own ultimate Christmas movie, a mashup of every Christmas movie I have ever watched, ever. From memory. This way I save you the time and effort needed to sit down and re-watch all of these schmaltzy films again with your in-laws while you hoard the caramel popcorn from the three-sided Swiss Colony holiday tin your Aunt Marge sent you last week.  Why do they even bother with the other two flavors? Ew.

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When kind-hearted businesman George Bailey comes back from fighting in the war, he teams up with Jack Frost to become a famous song and dance act. But during a trip to a nightclub that’s only open during the holidays, George discovers that Jack is actually a snowman possessed by the ghost of his dad looking to make amends with him.

Rightfully freaked out by this, George escapes by hopping onto a badly rendered CGI train conducted by a creepy CGI Tom Hanks. The train takes him to a depot at Halloween Town, where his attempts to introduce the Christmas spirit to the witches and ghouls fail miserably. Depressed from his failure to spread Christmas cheer to Jack Skellington’s buddies, ol’ George wishes he was never born. That night he is visited by three ghosts who try to convince him otherwise: the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and a plastered Billy Bob Thornton in a soiled Santa costume.

The ghost of Christmas Past, played by Jiminy Cricket, takes him on a magical journey to Whoville. There he relives the painful memory of how he stole all the town’s Christmas gifts and sold them to buy the last Turbo Man available on Christmas Eve for his bratty son. The Ghost of Christmas Present, played by a psychotic Carol Kane in a punk rocker ballerina dress, hits George with a toaster, and then takes him to New York, where he observes a grown man in an elf costume showing James Caan he still has love in his heart. Bored with all of this, a wasted Billy Bob Thornton takes George to a strip club and buys him lap dances. But George’s obnoxious cousin Eddie shows up in a beat up Winnebago and crashes the party in the Champagne Room.

Billy Bob grabs George and drags him out behind the strip club. Billy Bob threatens to shoot George’s eye out with a Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle unless he helps with the Christmas Eve robbery. George reluctantly agrees, and they stake out a house in a quiet residential neighborhood where they think everyone is on vacation. Little do they know a kid was left alone in the house they choose. During the break-in, Billy Bob slips on the kid’s Micro Machine booby trap and is killed by a swinging paint can to the temple.

Fearful he will be blamed for Billy Bob’s death, George hides from the police by putting on Billy Bob’s Santa suit, but as a result he immediately becomes the Real Santa Claus! Now not only is he on the run for murder, but he has all the duties of the real Santa Claus to boot. George hides in an alley off 34th Street where two neighborhood kids recognize him as the real Santa, despite his claims otherwise. While he hides, George enlists the help of a little squirrel named Rupert to save St. Mary’s Catholic school, defeat the mouse king, save Toyland, buy Christmas shoes for a poor kid with a dying mom, and provide a much needed elf-esteem boost to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

But George may have bitten off more than he can chew when he tries to save Nakatomi Plaza from a Christmas Eve hostage crisis. Even with the help of a bunch of Muppet rats in top hats, the terrorists seem to have gotten the upper hand. When our hero, bruised and battered, blood in his eyes and charred glass in his feet, is about to throw in the towel for good, he happens upon a a blanket-hugging kid giving a tearful, heartfelt speech on the true meaning of Christmas. George’s heart immediately grows three sizes, and he is finally inspired by the true spirit of Christmas to do the right thing. He pulls out the gun he cunningly strapped to his back with Christmas tape, shoots Hans Gruber out the window and saves Christmas for everyone.

All seems back to normal as George is leaving the tower to celebrate his victory, when suddenly the last remaining terrorist runs out the front door, machine guns blazing. It looks like George is going to be mowed down by a Steyr AUG after all, when Jack Frost appears out of nowhere and picks the terrorist off with a Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. Jack and George embrace, father and son reconciled after all these years. A bell rings, and George remarks that every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. At that remark, Jack Frost/George’s dad turns into an angel and flies away. A Broadway chorus with bad cockney accents sings “Thank You Very Much” while carrying George and the melting snow carcass of Mr. Frost down the street on their shoulders, and everyone has the most wonderful Christmas ever!

The End.

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If you can successfully list all the movies I’ve referenced here, hold that mistletoe over your backside because in the spirit of the holiday season I will get down on all fours and kiss your yuletide ass!

Good luck, and a big fat Merry Christmas to you all.