Wedding Vows to My Robot Wife

I, Damien Richter Von Chiselfart III, Esquire, take you, SuperGigante MegaBot RoboWife 3.0 Sassy Latina Edition, to be my lawfully wedded lifetime robot companion.

Since the first moment I laid eyes upon you, MegaBot RoboWife, I’ve loved you. Little did I know that my innocent trip to the Effervescent Cloud Mall in my beat-up, early model Solar-powered 2093 Antique Super Hover Scooter would lead me to you. I was there to buy some inexpensive furniture, a few simple pieces to spice up my parent’s basement where I was temporarily living while the Tritton Corporation reconsidered their decision to lay me off from the graveyard shift at the Alunium mining colony on Jupiter’s third moon. (Not the second moon, that moon’s for losers.)

Anyway, destiny would not allow this trip to go down in my Interplanetary Spacebook Galactilog as just another uneventful trip to Ikea. Oh, no.

As I turned the corner of aisle five and walked past the ample selection of levitating coffee tables and Gorgon tentacle-massage chair/toilets, I glimpsed you out of the corner of my eye. You were at the very end of a long line of reasonably priced miniature fusion reactors. You were so dazzling and radiant, leaning against several boxes of moon-gazebos, still glistening in your original polystyrene packaging.

Oh, there will be those that claim that you were no different than any of the other MegaBot models neatly stacked behind you. But I knew differently. And I could sense through the blank stare of your yet-to-be-activated polymer real-time motion-control eye sockets that you felt the same way about me. You, SuperGigante MegaBot RoboWife 3.0 Sassy Latina Edition, are my soul mate. You complete me, more than a fully-emersive 11-dimensional video game portal ever could. You hold my heart in your hand as sure as I hold your 24 digit activation key in my wallet.

As long as the double suns of the Nubiblius Nebula shine brightly upon the ample cleavage of your astral-solar panels, I know you will be there for me. And I for you. You will be my friend, my lover and my companion until death do us part, or the manufacturer’s warranty expires (whichever comes first). In return I affirm this sacred promise: to stay faithfully by your side, through debilitating online viruses and firmware updates, downloads and reboots, updates and hardware malfunctions.

And I give you my word I will not fall into temptation, though the SuperGigante MegaBot RoboWife 4.0 will come out some time in the third quarter next year. RoboWife 3.0, you are my true love, and no upgraded model that includes a fully programmable sub-compartment for advanced genital polishing will ever change that, no matter how awesome that sounds.

I will honor you and my commitment to you and the maintenance of your eerily lifelike body features. I will respect your privacy, hold you in times of distress, plug you in and turn you to sleep mode while I am frozen in the cryo-chamber during long flights to the Transubtarian Outer Rim. I will always be honest with you as we grow together in mind and spirit, and will do my best to raise and protect our unholy cyborg children as best as I can, though they will certainly be considered an abomination by the Oort Council of 2184 and hunted down by ruthless Assassin TerrorBots until our dying day.

I love you, SuperGigante MegaBot RoboWife 3.0 Sassy Latina Edition, and I pledge myself to you now and forever more, as long as you shall boot up without bloatware.